July 30, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump,

Although I usually write to give you advice, now I wonder whether you might give some to me. Say, e.g., I decided to run for public office. Oh, I don’t know, maybe the Montgomery County Council. Could you give me some tips? Among the main things that we have in common are that I, too, walk on two legs and have never held public office before. Guide me here, please:

Lying: Is it enough if I say that I graduated from Harvard Law School magna cum laude when in truth it was only cum laude? Or should I say summa all the way? Is anyone going to check? Or care? Is it true that, the more outrageous the lie, the more voters you can attract? Should I just claim that I was simultaneously the Dean of Harvard Law School and the President of the Harvard Law Review? If someone claims that I lied, can I just scream “fake news” and gain that much more support?

Thuggery: Your supporters love when you talk about police “not treating them so nice,” a euphemism for beating up an arrestee prior to any due process and when, e.g., you rudely pull a foreign minister out of your way. So, if I let go an enormous, smelly fart in the middle of a Council meeting; or maybe belch loudly; or maybe add the belch to the fart, would I be on the right track? I sense that you are more the throw-dog-excrement-at-your-opponent type, but after all I would not be running for president, just a local government office. How, exactly, do you calibrate your thuggery so well to suit your friends?

Narcissism: Here, I must confess, I doubt that I could come even halfway to your standards, but one must try, right? First, does it cost a lot of money to have fake Time covers made in one’s honor? Could I pretend that Bethesda Magazine named me “Montgomery County Man of the Year” even though no one knows who I am? Or perhaps I should put up a great big beautiful statue of myself in Downtown Silver Spring? Yes, I’m sure it would be collapse within minutes of its erection, or be pulled down, but think of the publicity!

Sir, I have so much to learn about deceit, lack of simple human decency, and self-love. If you can’t help me, who can?

Very truly yours,

Bruce J. Berger